19.4.2024:
Do you also feel that life in our modern society places demands on us in every area of our life every single day more and more that there is almost no space for us to enjoy the simple fact that we are alive?
Since COVID my life has gone through so many ups and downs that it feels like a ride on
a roller-coaster. But I am sure that I am not alone.
Of course, I am aware that challenges, necessary risks and even some stress are a part of our life if we like it or not. But, don´t you feel that sometimes it becomes too much? Don´t you feel like one more thing would happen and your head would explode?
The worst is when this constantly busy roller-coaster called life where all of us all the time try to achieve something or satisfy others starts to affect our relationships with our loved ones.
Me and my wife have been together already seven years. Of course, during that time our relationship went through a lot of challenges, and it has evolved since we met for the first time. And, don´t take me wrong. I don´t complain. We appreciate every obstacle and every challenge that we have overcome because it made us stronger as a couple as well as individuals.
But I must say that the beginning of the year 2024 was extremely challenging for both of us at every possible level. It felt like you would be slapped from the left side, and then immediately from the right side, and at the moment you have barely recovered you were slapped again and again.
Before you know it, you are stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed, and there is not much space left for love, compassion, affection, understanding etc. We were literally like two strangers trapped in the same room busy with our problems. We were able to start an argument about an insignificant thing. Any insignificant matter could work as a spark for a massive argument. A divorce has been on our plate regularly.
Since the COVID outbreak, I have fortunately implemented one important habit into my life. I try to see every challenge as an opportunity for growth and personal development. Nowadays, I used to search immediately for a solution to my challenges. Because you can be sure that if there is a problem there is already someone out there who has faced the problem and in the best possible scenario has brought a solution for others who are dealing with the same challenge.
In our situation, I have realized that the best I can do is to improve my communication skills with my wife because communication is the key to everything. And, whenever we argue it´s usually because of a lack of communication on the one or the other side. Or a wrong way of communication etc.
So, today I am coming to you with a few tips, on how to improve communication with your partner that I discovered in a quite short but valuable book COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS (without starting a fight) written by Nic Saluppo, M.A.
I don´t want to say that reading this book has made me a professional in communication between partners but it has certainly helped me to realise some basic mistakes I make in communication with my wife, it has given me new strategies and approaches, and in some ways also opened my eyes.
13 Communication Techniques
Nic Saluppo, M.A. introduces in the book step-by-step 13 techniques that we can immediately implement in our personal lives. The techniques are explained on real examples from Salluppo´s life as a partner, a husband, and a psychotherapist, so you can easily understand what he means.
For such a short book (123 pages) it can go quite deep but I don´t want to steal the author’s hard work, so I will give you just a little taste. For a deeper understanding, I recommend reading the book. I read the book already three times and go back whenever I feel that I need a reminder because as the saying goes: “repetition is the mother of wisdom”.
Technique number 1: “Never” and “Always”
Quite quickly I realized and had to agree with the author that arguing is about emotions. And, since I know from my therapist that emotions are irrational, we must avoid causing negative emotions in communication with our partner at every cost.
First, the author suggests avoiding the words: “NEVER” and “ALWAYS” because these words immediately raise negative emotions during arguments. Perhaps, you have been in that situation with your partner because I have. “You never clean the kitchen properly when you make your meal!” “You always walk away instead of facing the problem as an adult!”
Sallupo suggests replacing above mentioned words with “WHEN”. “It makes me frustrated when you don´t clean the kitchen properly after making your meal.” “It makes me sad when you walk away when we argue instead of sorting the situation out.”
Quite often during the whole book the author highlights the importance of communicating our emotions with our partner openly but also points out that no one can be responsible for our emotions. No one can make us feel anyhow. So, to tell our partner that they make us feel somehow is a red flag that just escalates the complicated situation.
Technique Number 2: “Should”, and “Should not”
We must remove from our dictionary the words “should”, and “should not” because they are basic elements of criticism that raise in everyone negative emotions.
Technique Number 3: Talk Openly About Your Feelings
Already third technique was for me a big breakthrough. Not just because I am a man but because I have come from a family where we don´t usually openly talk about our emotions. Especially men. We don´t do emotions. We keep them for ourselves. We let them bubble and boil under the lid of a pressure cooker until one day it cannot hold the pressure any longer and explodes. That it is not healthy for your mind? You bet!
Just implementing this technique into my life has improved my communication and relationship with my wife a lot. I will not lie. It hasn´t been easy for me. But it helps a lot. It helps clear the air and open the space for communication. It also lot of times prevented unnecessary arguments when my wife would just react because I looked upset and she automatically thought that it was because of her.
Of course, it is very important to communicate our feelings in the right way. The last thing you should do is to say: “You make me feel XY”. Say instead: “Because of what you did I feel XY.”
If your partner reacts by saying that you should not feel that way then it is not fair. As has been said no one can make you feel anyhow. On the other hand, emotions are irrational, so we cannot affect how we feel. We cannot control our emotions. Everyone has a claim to feel emotions. As humans, we are highly emotional beings.
Technique Number 4: Take a Time-Out
If we get into a situation during an argument when we feel overwhelmed with our emotions then we can take a time-out. We can ask our partner to step out of the argument to think about it peacefully.
Quite spontaneously I have been using this technique for years. With only a tiny glitch. I never asked for a time-out and just walked away, and then let my wife brew in her gravy for hours without ever coming back with a solution. This is quite obviously a big NO, NO.
To make this technique work we must ask our partner for a time-out, and then come back when we put our thoughts into order. Our partner should not chase us around to talk about the cause of the argument.
Technique Number 5: “I think”, “I feel”
In the book, Nic Saluppo gives constant caution to be aware of the way how we express our thoughts while we communicate with our partners. For example a statement: “I think that you are not interested in me anymore, that you don´t care”, is just another red flag in the communication that always leads to two-way neverending accusations. In this case, we communicated our thoughts and not feelings.
The author suggests the following approach instead: “I think that you are not interested in me anymore, that you don´t care, and it makes me sad.” No one can challenge our feelings.
Technique Number 6: “I feel”
This chapter just repeats what has been already mentioned before. No one can be responsible for how we feel towards another person.
On the other hand, if our partner raises negative emotions in some specific moments then it can be an echo of some traumatic experience from our past and not the partner.
In that case, it´s very important to talk with our partner about those situations a feelings and address the issue during therapy etc.
I cannot express enough how much has helped me and my wife the fact that we both go through long-term therapies that help us address our past and the fact that we constantly talk about our past negative experiences. It gives us both a deeper understanding of each other in specific situations when we would easily take actions of the other person personally.
Technique Number 7: “I was wrong”
It is very important to see warning lights inside our heads whenever an argument is only
a hair’s breadth away. In those cases, it´s important to take a step back and reflect on what mistakes we made in communication with our partner.
If we reflect on our actions before the conflict culminates then we should say: “I was wrong, I made a mistake and I am sorry”. However, to say that we are sorry it´s not enough. It is also very important to admit that we are aware of what mistakes we made.
The thing is that if we don´t admit our wrongdoing it disturbs the trust of our partner towards us. So, to make our apology complete we must admit what we did wrong, anyway “I am sorry” is just an empty fraze.
“I am sorry that I called you names.” “I am sorry that I yelled at you.” “I am sorry that I didn´t communicate my feelings. I was wrong.”
Technique Number 8: “I am sorry”
Just admit, how many times in your life you said “I am sorry” to your partner to get rid of them. To just make them finally quiet.
The problem is that if we want to apologize we should do it like we mean it, anyway it is just an empty fraze.
As was already said in the previous step, we should admit that we are aware of a mistake that we made, and then apologize.
Nick Sallupo also highlights that an argument doesn´t end until one or both sides admit mistakes and apologise to each other.
It is human to make a mistake. But it is inhuman not to apologize and carry on like nothing happened.
It is always good to take a step back, reflect on the situation and ask ourselves what would positively contribute to our relationship in the situation. We must be focused on our relationship and not selfishly only on ourselves.
Technique Number 9: “It´s great that you are letting it out.”
This technique has been for me another revolution. And this time, because I am a man and also because of the reason mentioned earlier that we didn´t do emotions when I was growing up.
So, how do you feel when your partner starts to cry? How do you feel about it?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and awkward. My wife is so sensitive and emotional person who starts to cry now and then. Don´t take me wrong. I think that it is a nice and human thing to do. It is also very healthy. I am a stone face. When I start to cry about something it is almost an opportunity to open a bottle of Champagne to celebrate.
But, based on Nic Saluppo most of us don´t know how to react when our partner starts to cry, and most of us feel uncomfortable and awkward and want to make them stop as soon as possible. Also, we know that crying is natural. My latest approach was an expression of my opinion that my wife tries to emotionally blackmail me by crying. I highly suggest you not to do that.
Nic Saluppo suggests telling your partner simply that it is OK that they letting their emotions out. Or sometimes the best we can do is just to hug our partner and to be with them. How simple!
I am going to try this next time.
Technique Number 10: Let Them Be Angry With You
As it has been said several times by this point, everyone has a claim for their emotions. We cannot control our emotions because they are irrational. So, quite clearly, the last thing we should say to our partners when they are upset with us is something like: “You should not be angry with me”. In translation, we tell them they should not feel how they feel.
The problem is that some people can switch from argument to relative peace. But it doesn´t mean that the argument is over. It will hit you any time soon again at a moment when you will expect it least. Therefore, it is important to discuss the matter of the argument and find a solution. Avoidance is the worst strategy.
I have also never understood why my wife had never wanted to go to sleep before we would find a solution, before we would discuss the matter even if it would mean to go to sleep at 3 AM. It was because the argument usually kicks off again straight away when you wake up in the morning.
The author introduces a simple approach to how we can turn an argument into a discussion, by saying: “It is alright that you are angry with me. Be angry with me as long as you need.”
This approach provides a time-out to our partners when they can experience their emotions, calm down and then talk about what caused their feelings toward us.
It is very important to talk about the cause of your arguments, anyway, we are sentenced to repeat our mistakes over and over again.
Technique Number 11: Set Boundaries
If we feel that our relationship has come to a deadlock of constant arguments, insults, accusations etc. then Nic Saluppo suggests one more technique that we can use without risking deeper emotional damage. Set your partner boundaries. “If you will yell at me one more time, I will move out for one month!” If you will yell at me one more time, I will remove myself from this conversation!” etc.
The goal of this technique is self-preservation. Because there is one sad truth about people. Despite the fact how much they promise that they are going to change, some people never change. And this technique should help us not to fall into a trap of abusive unhappy relationships.
To make this technique work however, it is very important to hold your ground and do what you said that you would do if your partner will break the rule again even if they would beg you not to do it! Otherwise, they might feel that your words are just an empty treat, and they will never change.
If someone treats us disrespectfully over and over again and we allow it then we are as responsible as they are.
Technique Number 12: “I am glad that you are trying to improve”
Our life is about constant change, constant growth, about constant evolution even when we try very hard to avoid it because we want to play safe.
Even relationships are a massive playground for constant change. I and my wife are very proud that over the years that we have been together our relationship didn´t get stuck but keeps growing, getting deeper and deeper, stronger and stronger.
The important part of that constant growth is a willingness to listen to what your partner has to say even though it could be quite uncomfortable because it seems like a criticism. But the fact that our partners try to talk to us is proof that they love us and not otherwise.
A relationship where partners don´t care anymore is in my opinion a lost relationship.
Technique Number 13: Both Sides of The Story
Every relationship is about communication. There are no relationships without communication.
Many arguments happen just because everyone has their own opinion that will protect teeth and nails. But every relationship has minimally two sides, and therefore to maintain healthy relationships it is vital to be able to hear our partner’s opinion without getting angry, upset etc., and treat our partner during discussion with respect.
Conclusion
And, this is it. Those were 13 relatively simple techniques from the book Communicate Your Feelings (Without Starting a Fight): What to Say and What Not to Say to Your Partner written by Nic Saluppo, M.A. that everyone can implement in life and improve the way how communicate with a partner. I have already done it, so can you.
I don´t want to say that you will become an expert in communication with partners after reading this book. I can assure you that when emotions kick off the last thing you will think about is some communication techniques that you read about in some smart book. But based on my own experience, with every next argument, with every next difficult situation in my relationship, my communication with my wife is getting better. Therefore it is valuable to read books like this one.
And, what about you? Do you have any interesting sources about the topic you could suggest?
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feedback.
George